i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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