You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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