They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
