More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
