wrigley field is MILF paradise
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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