My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
