We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I wish my penis had an off switch
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
