I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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