Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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