Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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