Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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