I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
