So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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