You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
