Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
