"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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