Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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