Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
