You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
