Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
