Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize