i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
