stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
