theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
