My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
