What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm really busy with my period
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