A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
