he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize