My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize