I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
