We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
