yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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