Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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