I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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