I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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