I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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