Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
