Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
