Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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