I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
