Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
