We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
