Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
