I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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