Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
