Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
