I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
