mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
