Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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