I'm so fucking centered right now
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
