i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
