Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize