you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
