Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
