Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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