She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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