If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
