don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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