I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
