4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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