rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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