My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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