I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
