i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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