Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
