u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Life is so much better after having sex.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
