Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I love having hate sex.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
