i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
