I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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