Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
