If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
